Lesson of fig tree

I had read over and over again that the human mind is like a garden and you should not let a single bad thought enter your mind. I had promised myself that I wont blog till I got rid of the mess cleared from my head. I stopped brooding about the past, didnt care a damn for the future. I was on the look out for anything which would burden my infertile mind which could sow only negative impulses.

I feared I had become quite like the fig tree in the parable which refused to grow despite being watered regularly and given enough opportunity and time to mend its ways. It was as if I enjoyed feeling this way and there was a strong sense of unwillingness to let go of misery. For the first time I feared happiness, as if I was afraid to come out of the self created quagmire.

I tried everything in the book, first being the natural impulse to run away from conflict but I knew there was never a finishing line. I was always on the run not knowing where to go , where to stop and sometimes wondering how I could not run out of steam. My search for a bigger crisis could keep me engaged for some days, however as soon as I chose to seek rest the same thoughts would play havoc with my mind.

The fig tree was dispensable, with all humility I saw myself as just another cog in the wheel. But I was not sure the cog could let go of its responsibility especially when so much effort was put by so many to make me fit in the wheel.
I dont want to give up my quest for wisdom, righteousness, redemption though I strayed a million times. If this was my destiny I dont want to go down without putting a fight lest my soul wearily tread in this universe with remorse that I chose to defeat my own self.