Autumn blues

For every step I took forward I was taking 2 steps backward. I was counting days till I could hold on , not that I was proud of when I stumbled upon this line from a movie. There comes a time when we gotta give up the thing which we want the most and even our dreams.

I wanted to let go of my dreams which were turning nightmarish by the day. I wanted to desert my very own thoughts which would spring up every time I was awake. I was afraid to wish for anything good, lest they turn true I would not be brave enough to face them.

My only focus was this tremendous urge to live in the present, and do whatever it takes to massage my bruised ego in whichever way I could. Till I got humbled I thought of myself being more grounded than I actually was. With the ego crushed and my soul sunk in self pity I was hitting a state of heightened nothingness and the only thing that frightened me was the lesson I learnt doesnt get lost in me.

I could laugh through the irony when on the outside I'm surrounded by joy and happiness and all the blessings I aways prayed for, lingered around me, like a much awaited and surprisingly lasting joyous spring. Even though on the inside I was unwilling to let go of the tortuous and depressing barren winter like thoughts which were never supposed to have lasted more than a wicked second in time.