Tears could not stop flowing, as my 18 week baby passed away in my palm. She probably did not manage to live more than 18 seconds. I had only myself to blame for the rest of my life.
Every time I see my 6 year old I realise this joy could have been doubled. If I had not trusted my gut, if I had not moved from Mumbai, if somehow we could manage to keep her safe for another 6 weeks I would not have had the misfortune of burying my 18 week old Rosie in Glasnevin cemetery.
I was told probably it was lack of faith. But God when was I ever strong. I believed but I often doubted, it was more of self doubt covered in reliance on God. I feel hard to comprehend that this is God's will for me, my wife and my child who longed for a sibling.
I searched for my baby in every new born after that and looked for those toes I could touch on that ill-fated day in January. I moan for the toys I could not buy her. I moan for the first sounds that would come from her. I could not fathom that life's most natural experience turned out to be so painful for us.
I mourned that day and the next and the weeks and months that go by. I tend to forget her in times of joy, thinking she was not viable. But there she was fully formed, with every part visible and tiny and beautiful.
If only I had persisted to be less smart and more foolish to stay back in Mumbai. If only I'd kept my selfish gut instincts under check I would have been caring for a 4 month baby.
How would I tell my only daughter I fucked up her chances to have a sibling for life, to care , share and much more. Yet I felt happy today without my 18 week old baby, I chose to forget her, thinking it was never viable and an act of God. I could forget it all away so conveniently, yet she lies there in the cold all alone, rotting away. Her soul smiling at my sorrow which will one of you day fade away like my words. Hoping to see her some day and the creator would be kind enough to show us what would have been!
Every time I see my 6 year old I realise this joy could have been doubled. If I had not trusted my gut, if I had not moved from Mumbai, if somehow we could manage to keep her safe for another 6 weeks I would not have had the misfortune of burying my 18 week old Rosie in Glasnevin cemetery.
I was told probably it was lack of faith. But God when was I ever strong. I believed but I often doubted, it was more of self doubt covered in reliance on God. I feel hard to comprehend that this is God's will for me, my wife and my child who longed for a sibling.
I searched for my baby in every new born after that and looked for those toes I could touch on that ill-fated day in January. I moan for the toys I could not buy her. I moan for the first sounds that would come from her. I could not fathom that life's most natural experience turned out to be so painful for us.
I mourned that day and the next and the weeks and months that go by. I tend to forget her in times of joy, thinking she was not viable. But there she was fully formed, with every part visible and tiny and beautiful.
If only I had persisted to be less smart and more foolish to stay back in Mumbai. If only I'd kept my selfish gut instincts under check I would have been caring for a 4 month baby.
How would I tell my only daughter I fucked up her chances to have a sibling for life, to care , share and much more. Yet I felt happy today without my 18 week old baby, I chose to forget her, thinking it was never viable and an act of God. I could forget it all away so conveniently, yet she lies there in the cold all alone, rotting away. Her soul smiling at my sorrow which will one of you day fade away like my words. Hoping to see her some day and the creator would be kind enough to show us what would have been!
